Settling In

So, I guess this thing is here to stay, this whole "no more brother" thing. I try to be glib because I don't really have any other ways of processing it right now. "Good" days are days where I'm merely sad and depressed. Bad days are... well, I don't know what they are yet. Angry, despairing, and convinced I'll never get past this.

Which is probably true. I will never get past not having Alex around. I guess I'll just adjust.

It still doesn't feel real. It's been 3 weeks, and I frequently think, "This is just such a stupid nightmare. It couldn't possibly be real." It is, obviously, but it's just too much to take in.

I don't really know what I intended to accomplish with this post, but I just needed to get something out there. Anything, I think. Even this pointless rambling about the pain in my chest and the hole in the rest of my life. A huge 6'6" hole that will never be filled.

I miss him so much.

Not Fair

Whenever we would claim that something wasn't fair, my physics high school teacher Mr. Burris would reply, "Not fair is a place where you don't ride rides."

My amazing, hysterical brother was killed this weekend in a car accident, almost two years and one month after my father suddenly died from something akin to but not at all like a heart attack.

I don't really know what to do with myself or how I'm possibly going to live without the person who's been by my side for 28 years of madness and fun and anguish. He was my longest best friend, and the person I felt comfortable sharing pretty much everything with. I hope this blog may help me to figure out some of this whole process, and maybe help me to feel less alone.

I am a complete zombie right now. I'm terrified of the part that's coming, where his absence starts to weigh on me like the neverending void it will be, and my chest clenches up and I can't breathe when I think about how much hurt is waiting for me.

I don't really know how to end this first post. So I guess I just will.

That's all for now.